Yes, I Woke Up Like This
Here are my thoughts from days and days of Comey while the Cohen fiasco fiascoes itself toward his possibly flipping.
Trigger warning: I will swear here. Also, feel free to read this as the ramblings of a Never Trumper, a humor piece, a midlife crisis fiasco-ing in lockstep with Michael Cohen’s legal woes and the democracy’s crumbling.
- It would have served us a great deal better if Jim Comey had consulted his peers and superiors more often — and maybe followed the protocol that might stop him from press conferences without informing his superiors. For all the higher fucking loyalty he served, he played pretty fast and loose with rules that might have been reasonable to follow. He doesn’t know. He thinks he did the absolutely right thing.
2. So far the only woman in power not to apologize is Nikki I-Don’t-Get-ConfusedHaley.
3. I’ve watched and listened to hours of Comey — honestly, I don’t want to give him any money and buy his book — and I haven’t once heard him apologize for his role in shaping the election, only standing by it. I fucking hope he’s an island and his wife divorces him.
4. No, I don’t. But I am furious because just last night when the memos — his memos — leaked due to the GOP’s unwillingness to follow rules, norms, protocols, the tenets of a functional democracy take your pick, what happened in our being allowed to see the memos (leaked, these are leaky times and not just my tear ducts), fucking messed with the rules and norms of democracy. What I’m saying is WE ARE SCREWED in the aftermath of Comey’s choices, however principled. Look at ALL THIS WRONG after he was so right.
5. I’m not a lawyer. This is a solely the view of a histrionic women who woke up again for the umpteenth time RAGEY.
6. But did you notice that Comey threw these three people under the bus and I’m sorry that’s how I heard it: sloppy Hillary, I-really-respect-her-but-she-was-wrong Loretta, and unfit for the office, kissy grabber, prostitute commenter Donald? JUST SAYING.
7. So far, the best interviewers of Comey to my mind were Terry Gross, who didn’t laugh once (highly unusual for her) and Rachel Maddow. Maddow’s timing turned out to be impeccable if unplanned, except by her rule of preparing shows in the age of Trump — what’s planned goes out the window and things ramp up with each day of the week and it was a Thursday, so she could have predicted something explosive involving Comey to occur in the 8:30 half-hour was quite likely.
8. I really respect Benjamin Wittes and am worried about his thinking I haven’t heard his very reasoned and much more correct perspective on all of this. I’m not privy to many things I obviously shouldn’t be privy to. I put this in like a deep breath or cold water — I get it, I’m no expert and that’s why I’m writing a list, not a legal argument or wise analysis or even anything witty (not a pun, but ha). Ultimately, this that Wittes writes of the Comey story is so true: “My broad point is a simple one: One of the inherent features of no-win situations is that someone loses. Colleagues may understand what you did because they trust you. If you’re lucky, so may your boss. But when something terrible happens, the public will need to assign blame. This is inevitable, and assuming that burden is part of leadership.”
9. It’s impossible for me, as white middle-aged woman, not to see the misogyny in the lead. I get that. To quote a middle-aged woman I disagree with about many things, on this point, “I don’t get confused.”
10. Also, if in the middle of this mess, there’s a guaranteed way to cry real tears, especially as a middle-aged white woman who sees misogyny in the lead, it’s to read Jennifer Palmieri’s book Dear Madam President.
11. It’s also true that I do not blame Jim Comey for the election’s outcome in full. I really, truly do not. I was a believer in the Russian role when too many people I might have well have called tin foil and aliens (November/December 2016). I wasn’t even the earliest, but before that — during the campaign — I was listening to Hillary’s warnings. I believed her about Russia. She did not get confused.
12. Despite her not necessarily wanting to say her emails hurt anyone, she also did apologize for the fucking emails.
13. I know it’s unfair, but I’d like Jim Comey to apologize for anything. I feel pretty certain he’s constitutionally incapable, but whatever, that’s not the point.
14. I know that if Donald goes down in flames, and let’s hope it’s soon, he will never apologize for anything.
15. Who’s the puppet? COUGH.
16. I feel as if the mob backed by the Russian mob, or perhaps there aren’t two mobs just one weaseled its way into the White House.
17. The mob and authoritarianism have loads in common, which I know much more from this last year and particularly Masha Gessen. Plus, I know a great deal of the Russian mob from that heavily Russian mob season of Law and Order. I had no idea it’d ever come in handy in real life.
18. That one of our current real life heroes is named Adam Schiff is strictly coincidental — and still I hear the infamous ch-ching whenever I think of his name.
19. Of the question about whether Michael Cohen will flip, I imagine if he’s in as much trouble as he very likely might be in, the answer is yes, but I’m much more concerned about whether he and Rick Gates stay alive. As I understand these things, many people keep mysteriously dying.
20. During that Russian mob season of Law and Order, there were numerous sudden deaths.
Mini-rant in the middle of this list: I do hold the norms and the values of this country dear. I’m willing for terrible things to unfold to uphold democracy. I would feel better if the leadership of this country did the same. Otherwise, we have April 202018 and it feels as if principles are out the window and the best we can hope for — and it’s not at all assured — is that No Lips No Morals McConnell whose phone won’t take calls goes down badly in history. That is cold comfort at best. From my vantage point even if the memos backfire — Putin and prostitutes — that’s not a win, because we weren’t supposed to see the memos now, and Nunes is still in office. Blake Fartenhold resigned before the worst stuff came out and he hasn’t paid us back. Nor has Tom Price or any other current or former cabinet member, except possibly Shulkin. Nor has Trey Gowdy, who pushed for these memos, returned the $150K.
21. … And I’m back to nearly losing my mind.
22. The best lists in the era of Trump’s regime are Amy Siskind’s; she doesn’t get confused, either.
23. Confession: some weeks, I can’t even read the entire list, but I do try every week.
24. I continue to call my reps and Trey Gowdy in his role as House Oversight Chair and sometimes others like McConnell this week, but I didn’t get through to McConnell and pretty much only ever leave a message at Warren’s office.
25. The aides at Markey and McGovern’s office could charge by fifty-minute hour; they are very kind and empathetic. Who knew calling your representative could be construed as therapeutic?
26. My ten year-old-daughter considers jumping on the trampoline to be therapeutic. She also toys with being an astronaut, a pop star, an actress, a writer, and the first girl President.
27. If not for my daughter, I might lose my mind entirely, but I have to keep putting a positive spin on the crisis. She also did a pitch perfect Rachel Maddow being embarrassed about having to mention the more sordid parts of the Trump mess the other night. Ask my friend Michael, I sent him the video of her impression.
28. Having spent a long time binge-listening to Trump Inc. yesterday I’d encourage Rachel to listen to how Andrea Bernstein lets these icky things just roll off her tongue like a reporter — no hedging, no emotion. It’s cleaner. And dirtier, if that makes sense. It’s not her fault.
29. To simply follow the business of Trump seems as if it could lead to all the mess we need, and it’s barely being covered. What the actual fuck is with this?
30. I know what it is; it’s that there is so much it’s nearly impossible to keep track and it is impossible to address it all, because just to follow the business or the business conflicts ongoing or the ethics violations of cabinet members or the terrifying aggression of ICE or-or-or are more than fulltime occupations and whoa-whoa-whoa where to start and how to keep going?
31. I nearly lost my breath writing the last run-on and truly terrifying sentence.
32. Unmentioned on this list so far: Ivanka, Jared, the other adult kids — and Tiffany finishing her first year of law school — Melania, John Kelly now invisible, Bolton (yikes), Pompeo… and how does Sarah Sanders continue to lie the way she does? What a cast of characters. I can’t even.
33. I think the only one I’ll miss is Alec Baldwin.
34. I hope to miss him soon.
35. A bright spot this week was Tammy Duckworth’s return with Maile to the Senate floor. I will let the worried older male senators just freaking deal. I guess I’ll end there because otherwise, I’ll need a paper bag to breathe into or will devolve into just repeating the word FUCK.